I’m sick! Pay attention to me!
Dear Reader,
This is coming to you from someone who once thought being sick meant you had to be unproductive. Well I showed me. I present to you the uninterrupted and unedited flow from my brain to paper.
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So I had a fever one night and I started imagining my future.
It involved me being invited to a reading for little children. Then the organizer makes me come up with a story on the spot. The witch. Of course I can’t! I leave that to Nnedi Okorafor. So later I’d go on Twitter (I’m already a famous author) and talk about how no one should invite me anywhere under false pretenses. I’m picturing a Kanye rant.
If you know me, you’ll wonder what I was thinking. I’m not that outrageous! I’m not even on Twitter!!
I’m listening to Olivia Rodrigo. And I have Adele planned next because I’m a masochist. And why the hell am I writing when my body feels like the witch’s oven in Hansel and Gretel???
Mummy would tell me to be neater. You see? Being sick makes me write mummy!
Anyway I’m usually much neater. Just ask the bucket of clothes I’ve planning to get to for a week. But such is the life of this chemical engineer. Remember, I’m smarter than you.
I wonder if being sick makes me funny. If so I should breed some mosquitoes and fix up the ozone layer so proper cold comes back, not this lukewarm bullshit. Huh, that may be the attitude that’s getting me to pay thousands to my school’s exorbitant medical center.
Though if I’m not funny, then it’s just my brain laughing at me and not you with me.
Okay this writing thing is making me lose focus of what truly matters: baking in my blanket. Oh God. I'm the Hansel who never escaped. Well to my Gretel I'll say this: mix me with bush meat, I always liked the peppersoup. I wonder if you will too.
I really shouldn't be laughing to myself. I'll sound like my brother. He's not crazy. He just talks to himself a lot. More than to me I think.
The music has gone quiet in my ear and I can hear my pulse through my earbuds. My entire body's a speaker! Cool!
I wonder where I can get this seen by thousands. Maybe Twitter. You lot seem to love it like the sibling you never had. It makes me wonder how you treat your real siblings.
But oh Twitter! Your loss fills this budding writer with pain. I'd have so loved to stick it to the man (editors who rejected me I'm looking at you. Yes you with the shaved head and bitter heart). Oh God. Now I sound like Naomi. You don't know her. Neither do I really. She's great, and a feminist too! If that statement makes you mad move on! I'm sick. I can't please you (I'm looking at you feminazis)
You see, because of this writing thing I'm missing my Adele's album. I'm going to listen to her now.
I just stood up to go pee. My head hurts like a motherf*cker. Sorry mummy.
A guy made me jump and clutch my pearls at the door of the toilet. He was coming out. He laughed. I did too. The guy in the stall beside me would have but he was playing music. I’ve never understood the appeal.
Oh God. I’m at the end of Adele. I can hear my pulse again.
I forgot how happy Beauty and the Beast makes me. Even just the soundtrack. Lumiere is my spirit animal right now.
Ladies can I entice you with dinner and a show too?
I wish my roommate was asleep so I can sing (belt out) Evermore.
Now I want to be Lefou. Sorry people. Gaston has my heart now.
That Days in the sun though...slaps hard.
Shout out to my man for staying this long with me. You see that? That’s a bloody human being! I would swear harder but I’m slowly getting better. Thank you mother. I know you’re praying for me.
I think my fever has broken. I knew musicals were magic!
This may sound like a school boy’s diary but to hell with all those picky editors. Thank you for staying with me. I’m sick. I needed this.
Is this maudlin enough for you?
P. S I learned this diary writing style from Virginia Woolf's journals. Thanks for the advice Joyce Carol Oates! Your masterclass is a gem. Oh shit. I may have pirated it. Damn it! Why do sick people have no filter?? I should stop now.
P. P. S Read this in Trevor Noah's voice. Love him.
Let me be a black man and say no homo! Or wait that's offensive. No gay stuff! Did I get that right homophobes? Thank you for hating. The world wouldn't be the same without you.
